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 cheese. By Eric Wecker Hello. I am here today to talk to you about our future leader in the universe. That is right: Cheese. There will come a day when we will all be under the control of our glorious and illustrious leaders, cheese. Of course, we will not communicate with them directly. We will be told their every wish and command by our immediate Squirrel Overlords. As my colleague Scott Claffee stated last issue, Penn State does indeed have the craziest breed of Squirrels ever. Crazy like fox, that is. You see, they are the Chosen Squirrels. They are the Squirrels of the future, genetically bred by a small wedge of Camembert hiding out in Idaho somewhere. They are just biding their time until the inevitable take over of this, and every other planet by their cheesy lords. Of course, being squirrels with an IQ of about 230, they get a little bored while they wait, I mean who wouldn't? That is the reason why they have been taunting the students so. But I hear you saying "Oh my GOD, Ethyl, get my shot-gun! I'ze gots ta go bag me some SQUIRRELS!" I'm here to say to you NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Cheese is GOOD! They will bring peace to the universe and everything in it! Can you imagine the bliss as the Squirrel Overlord in you village or sub-unit passes on to you the decree of the ruling Gouda? Just think of it! "No more Broccoli! That right! No more Broccoli for ANYONE!" said Squirrel Alpha Beta Gamma Phi Tau Sigma. "Instead we have CHOCOLI!" Whoo hoo! Can you imagine? All the people young and old will just LOVE their new chocoli, genetically spliced by (oddly enough) the same piece of Camembert that created Squirrel overlords... Also, can you just imagine the ultimate AWE and INSPIRATION of seeing the Grand and High Cheddar make an appeal to the residents of the universe on the Ooga-Vision? Oh rapture, oh ecstasy! I cannot wait for the day! I lie awake every night in anticipation, visions of the shrine to the Munster of Power and the Pavilion of Provolone racing through my mind. Oh, sure, you all laugh at me now, but who will be laughing when the Chosen Squirrels descend from the trees and the cheese actually does take over? Huh? What's that? Can never happen, you say? Sure it can! Here's how: It will all take place the very second that the clock strikes Midnight, January 1st, 2000. That's right! While every computer program written before 1995 is crashing, the squirrels will take advantage of the pandemonium and take over! Ingenious, isn't it? Well, when it all happens, you can just say to yourself, "Eric was right! Well, I guess now that eating cheese is punishable by death, I'll have to lay off those ham and Swiss..." |
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