by Claffroc
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Well, here we all are, once again being tossed into the holiday season like a couple of shirts at the Gap being casually strewn on the top of the pile after some idiot takes them all apart and holds them up to see if a large in navy blue is the same size as a large in hunter green. And we are luckily treated to a holiday edition of the Swing Machine, like we are sometimes luckily treated to an extra showing of It’s A Wonderful Life on cable. So, in the spirit as I am, I have decided to write a holiday-oriented article. Now, I must begin by saying that the topic which I will address is not my own. It was first introduced to me by my brother Brett, who wrote a theme in high school English class about it some 8 years ago. Santa Claus could very well be the devil himself, and I warn you all to beware of the jolly old elf from this Christmas on. “How could Santa be the Evil One?” you exclaim as your mind pictures the fat, gentle old man in the cute little picture on your mantle taken at the mall when you were 4 and didn’t bother asking why you had seen 4 different Santas in the last half an hour as you screamed from the car wash to the bank to middle of Macy’s. It didn’t matter then, because you believed, and that is exactly what he wants you, and all the other little innocent children of the world to do. Okay, I have seen it coming. All those who are reading this right now are suddenly remembering the grade-school joke of how if you take S-A-N-T-A and rearrange the letters you get S-A-T-A-N, and you are all saying to yourselves, “Oh, gosh, I hope he has more of an argument than that!” Well, guess what? I do. But I can start with the fat guy’s name. We’ve been over Santa, but what about Claus? Rearrange those letters and you get Lucas. Lucas? George Lucas? Santa is a famous embittered film maker? No. Lucas is the shortened name for Lucifer, which was used by a New Age organization back in 1929. What does good ole St. Nick look like? He is “dressed all in red, from his head to his foot, and his clothes are all tarnished in ashes and soot.” Is the devil not depicted as being red? Is he not called the “red dragon” in Revelation 12:3? Where else can you find a bunch of ashes and soot than in Hell, where you live in an eternal fiery furnace? Both of these characters seem to believe in slave labor. Satan has his army of darkness, the damned being sentenced to eternal servitude in the underworld. Santa has his army of toysmiths, a bunch of elves sentenced to make toys till the end of their days. Both of these evil personalities influence the behavior of youth. Did you not want to act good to please Santa? Are you not tempted by Satan into acting against the will of our Lord? Now, I have come across some lunatic who has dedicated way too much time to proving that Santa is Satan in disguise for the sole purpose of taking on the image of the all-powerful God and savior. Personally, I think this guy is a wacko, but a lot of what he has to say makes sense. Many of his arguments are rooted in biblical text, and being the religious man that I am, I was interested. I apologize ahead of time if this is offensive to our non-Christian friends. First of all, Santa Claus gives us gifts. The bible tells us that Jesus is the giver of good gifts. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights…” says James 1:17. Satan is a crafty guy, who even transforms himself into an angel of light in 2 Corinthians 11:14. Santa delivers his gifts by entering your house through the chimney. Odd? Yes. But Satan does the same thing. Does he come to the door and knock? No, only Jesus Christ stands at the door and knocks (Rev. 3:20). Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. We all know it, we all believed it. The North Pole, besides being the polar (excuse the expression) opposite of Hell, has significant biblical similarities to the location of our God. Ezekial 8:14 says “Then he brought me to the gate of the Lord’s house which was toward the north…” Satan is obviously trying to trick little children into worshipping him rather than the Lord that we should be worshipping. My final, and probably most significant argument is based on the fact that the bible (and also Milton) says that the Devil has many of the same characteristics as God. The most important characteristics of God are His omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence. For those of you who did poorly on the SATs, omnipotence means all-powerful. Santa Claus makes and delivers billions of toys, and somehow delivers them all in one night. I call that pretty damn powerful. Omniscience means knowing all things. Our jolly friend seems to know “if you’ve been bad or good.” I don’t know exactly how he pretends to do that. Omnipresent refers to being everywhere at once. How else could Santa know when you are sleeping or are awake? How else could the fat elf be in thousands of shopping malls around the world simultaneously? Beats me. I think it’s pretty clear that Santa Claus could only be Satan himself. Lucifer is quite a clever guy. I can think of no better way to weasel your way into the lives of millions of youths than to masquerade as a jolly giver of gifts that would be adored by all. This freak is a miracle-worker, laying his finger aside his nose and all, and I refuse to give in to the popular belief that Father Christmas is a harmless saint. His name is St. Nicholas, and he’s trying to trick us. Watch your back on December 25th. He stole a holiday from Jesus Christ. Don’t let him steal your soul. For more on the Santa=Satan debate, visit the following links: 
http://www.lcc.net/~cornel/santa.html
http://www.common.net/~bkjv1611/sanorsat.htm
http://members.aol.com/santalie/santa2.htm
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