by Andrew Moisey
|
About three weeks ago, I came across an article written by one of the more controversial writers of Cal's independent student newspaper, Guy Branum. He is the guy you might have heard about that decided to print, before the Cal vs. Stanford Big Game, Chelsea Clinton's address at Stanford for all the Cal fans to see, and recommend that we should bring the "bloody carcass of the first daughter" back with us to Cal. In return for printing this, he got to have his house ransacked by the Secret Service, because, after all, the Unabomber and the villain in the latest James Bond film are Berkeley products. Anyway, at the end of his article about how he hates awards shows (the Grammys, he explained, are the "crack whore" of the lot), he included a paragraph with the following boldface headline: He said the winner would receive the following: 1) One free admission to "Spiceworld" 2) $3.25 towards popcorn and candy 3) One free sexual advance from him 4) A starring role in his next column To enter, all you had to do was tell him, via email and in 52 words or less, who your favorite Spice Girl is. He also said that while the contest was open to all Cal students, he would be selecting a young lady. I was so disappointed. Not only was I just dying to go on a date with a man, I really wanted to see Spiceworld. After suffering through a mild bout with depression, I had an I idea: I would enter the contest under a false name. This is what I wrote: Dear Guy, First, let me thank you for having this contest! I think you're really funny and I hope I can get a chance to meet you. Anyway, here's my essay: My favorite Spice Girl is Mel B. She is the best dancer of all the Spice Girls and she's got the coolest attitude- I love reading her sassy interviews. She's got some great moves in the videos. I often try to copy them myself, but she's too good! Sincerely, Andrea  This is what I recieved, two days later: Hello, it is Guy Branum You Won the Essay contest Darling, Call me at ###-#### to set up your screening of SPICEWORLD Dearest Love, Guy I won! I couldn't believe it. I was excited, but I knew that I couldn't just call him and set up a time because he'd know I was a man. So I call him and say, in my best female-voice impression, "Hi, Guy! I'm sorry I didn't call you earlier. I'm so excited. When do you want to go?" He told me he'd get back to me. Well, it was a while before we spoke again, but we eventually set a date, 7:00, Thursday the 5th. I was going on a date with a man. I was certain of his gender, but he wasn't of mine, and I decided, for fun, I would try to keep it that way. I went upstairs to my friend Kristen's room and told her all about my plan. She, along with about fifty other girls, jumped at the opportunity to dress me in their clothes for this. I almost had to take a lottery to pick who would get to do my makeup. After selecting the perfect outfit (black tights, black knee-cut skirt, purple mesh long-sleeve skirt, black cardigan) the perfect shoes (nine-west black heels), and the perfect boobs (I stuffed a tank top), I was almost set. The hair wasn't right. So (in the outfit, no less) I went out into the streets of Berkeley in search of a wig. I got quite a few looks on the way to the store, and a few verbal responses. My favorites: 1) 20-year-old girl: "I like that outfit on you, honey!" 2) 30-year-old gay man: "Lookin' good!" Me: "See somethin' you like, baby?" (He gives me thumbs-up) 3) 19-year-old Guy: "What the F--- is wrong with YOU!?" I purchased a black wig for $25.00, but it was styled for a sixties fashion show, so I took it to the best hairdresser in Berkeley to have it professionally styled for $30.00. I was set for Thursday night. I gathered two friends from my credit union internship to go with me. Judy helped me get ready back at my dorm and we were going to meet Sheroo and his girlfriend, Farrah, at the theater. I had an Italian girl who lived in the next room do my make up, and Judy taught me how to walk on the way to the theater. I was ready. We arrived at the theater around 6:55. Many people stared and whispered at me as Judy and I waited for Guy to show up. At 7:00, he still hadn't arrived, so I ran across the street to call him on a pay phone. As I was leaving a message on his machine I spotted him crossing the street. Sheroo and Farrah were right behind him. Judy and I waited till he crossed the street before we approached him. "This is gonna be classic," I thought. I was right. Me: "Hi, Guy!" Guy: (with no reaction to my appearance) "You must be Andrea." Me: "Yes! Are you ready to see the movie? It's going to be starting real soon. Oh! These are my friends, Judy, Sheroo, and Farrah. Hey- can we get some pictures?" Guy: "Uh, sure." We created a scene in front of the theater as the cameras flashed. Guy: "I'm going to get the tickets now." Guy, for some reason, talked to the ticket taker for a while and somehow negotiated free passes. As we walked into the theater, we were approached by the assistant manager. AM: "Are you Guy?" Guy: "Yes, I am." AM: "You're not allowed to get tickets off of Darryl's list." Guy: "Oh, I'm sorry." The assistant manager took one look at Guy, who is six feet tall, 260 pounds, then took one look at me, and said, "Okay, listen, buddy, I don't know what's goin' on here, but just, uh, don't ever, uh, you know," and let us through. Guy sped right past the concession stand (I wanted popcorn, but oh well) and into the theater. We sat down just as the previews were showing. Guy: "Frances McDormand! I love her! She is SO wonderful." Me: "Yeah." The movie began. Guy: "Yea! Girl power! (He claps loudly with his hands stiff as a board) The Spice Girls got in an arguement. Guy: "Yea, cat fight!" Elton John made cameo appearance. Guy: "I looooooooooooooooooooove Elton John! He is the GREATEST!" The movie sucked. Me: "Guy, I really don't understand this movie." Guy: "What do you mean?" Me: "It's so confusing! What are they trying to do?" Guy: "Well, the Spice Girls are trying to put on a concert and the tabloids are, well, don't worry, just enjoy the RIDE!" At this point, I whispered to Judy. Me: "I think this guy is gay." Judy: "No, he's definitely gay." Judy whispered to Sheroo and he agreed, so now we're all sure that I was on a date with a gay man and while I was dressed as a woman. This must have been extremely awkward for his as well. After the movie was over, he left immediately and we went to eat at a Chinese restaurant. Business stopped as I walked in. This week he wrote his article about it, which is posted here, along with some of the pictures. Oh, and to all of you thinking about questioning my sexuality, don't get any funny ideas.
 Click on a thumbnail to see a larger image. |
