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by sEAN mCbRIDE
I hate computers, and I hate science, yet I am majoring in Computer Science. My major makes me feel this way, because is has taught me that computers are evil. No, that's wrong. What it has really taught me is that Computer Science majors are nerds. (To read that last sentence 20 times in a row, finger mcbride@cse.psu.edu). Since nerds typically have the social skills of an eggplant, they often get left out and picked upon as children. The people who pick on them easily forget their abusive deeds as time goes on, but the calls of "Four Eyes" and "Poindexter" do not fade so quickly from the memory of the nerd. The foundations for severe disgruntlement have been laid. |
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Then Computer Science introduces itself, unsettling the nerd's temper and demanding his revenge on the rest of the world. I know this because I've spent countless hours of frustration in UNIX labs with the others, debugging line after line of code. I've agitated over backwards algorithms and nonsense protocols that twist your brain inside out and make it want to explode. I've seen these rigors take their tolls on my peers, churning incessantly inside their skulls, and I am an everyday witness to the flame and the fury that is nerd wrath. Computer Science makes nerds disgruntled and hungry for revenge. (This phenomenon has been documented as the Bagelman Complex, named after my skittish, yet ruthless CSE 120 teaching assistant.) |
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After this ugly transformation is complete, the rabid nerds are unleashed upon the computer industry, where they deliberately program computers to be the most temperamental, sinister devices they can contrive. The computers get shipped to every workplace, airport, hospital, phone company, government agency, and private home, infiltrating the entire world with their malevolent influence. Not only do the computers never work the way we want them to, but we can't function without them, because any service that is important at all is completely computer-dependent! And not only do our lives depend on these computers that don't even work, but the computer industry manipulates the flow of available technology, forcing us to go out every year and a half to buy brand-new, twice-as-fast, evil computers that still don't work! See how rich and prosperous the computer nerds are now, cruising around Silicon Valley in their Porsches, laughing spitefully at our hopeless situation and devising new ways to make us even more miserable! This is the revenge of the nerds. |
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Thankfully, it is possible for us to escape our nerd-inflicted fates. I've been trying to do this by keeping my classmates level-headed. For example, whenever one of them throws a temper tantrum, I chuck some Star Trek figurines at him and reassure him that it's only 1's and 0's. That usually calms him down, but Star Trek is only a temporary solution. Nerds are a natural resource. We need to show them kindness and understanding. So the next time you see a nerd walking down the street, just run right up to him and say, "Heyyy Mister Nerd! Wont'cha be my friend?" and give him a great, big hug. That one hug (though insignificant to you) could turn his nerdy life around and spare the world from one more tragic case of nerd wrath. |
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